VOLUME 11 : POKÉMON
Published on the FIRST Sunday morning of every month.
The other day while walking around, desperately hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone I know, I ran into an ex-girlfriend. Luckily for me, she was one of the nice ones. Unluckily for me, she was a big hugger.
“Hey, is that a Pokémon in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” She asked. “Oh, no that’s just a banana.” I replied. Luckily, she was in a hurry and couldn’t catch up just then.
As I continued my stroll, double desperately hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone I know, her comment got me thinking. I don’t know much about Pokémon. It’s safe to say, I would think, that most Gen Xers do not.
Long gone are the days when we battle over the dead life-sustaining carcass of a wildebeest. We have entered the evolutionary phase where two full-grown men will beat each other to death at a Pokémon card drop.
This month, it’s time to learn a little about this cult. Walk with me as I explore the strange obsessive phenomenon of Pokémon! Next time it won’t just be a banana in my pocket, there might be a monster in there too!
ALWAYS BEFRIEND THE WEIRD KID
The brainchild of a Japanese follow named Satoshi, Pokémon formally started taking over the world in 1996. Pokémon, if you didn’t know, was inspired by bugs. Yes, Satoshi was that awkward, dirty kid in school that would come up to you and excitedly pull weird shit out of his pocket, like bugs.
Well the joke is on us, cause he took that idea and ran with it and now that little fucker has hundreds of millions of dollars in his pocket as well.
THE ORIGIN STORY
Researching Pokémon nearly killed me. As a non-indoctrinated human observing the disturbingly unhinged world of Pokémon from the outside, I will do my best to give my fellow heathens a reasonable overview of this tumultuous tale.
The word Pokémon is a portmanteau (yes, portmanteau is a real word), which is a linguistic blend of two words.
Poké (ポケ - Poke): Short for Poketto (ポケット), the Japanese transliteration of the English word “Pocket”.
Mon (モン - Mon): Short for Monsutā (モンスター), the Japanese transliteration of the English word “Monster”.
From what I gather of the lore, you pluck these feisty Pokémon critters from the wild and domesticate them by putting them in little balls (more on balls in last month’s release), then put those balls in your pocket. If you happen to run into someone you don’t like, you throw your Pokémon that is in a ball at them, then it kicks the shit out of them, and then your Pokémon gets stronger and stronger, so that you can finally go around and get revenge on all the bullies in your life (and also have it beat the shit out of everyone else because, why the hell not). For all the bleeding hearts out there, don’t worry, Pokémon don’t fight to the death. They fight to the Hinshi, which just means to faint from sheer battery and exhaustion.
Pokémon don’t age like normal, boring, biological things; they just sort of suddenly and spontaneously evolve into bigger more complicated things that are more equipped for battle. For example, they start like this:
After kicking the shit out of other Pokémon for a while, they become something like this:
There are all sorts of different Pokémon, but only some can mate with others. Satoshi clearly failed biology because instead of referring to this as different Pokémon species, he called it “being in the same egg group.” Yes that’s another thing—they lay eggs.
If you want to breed your Pokémon, you drop them off at a nursery or day care, which is a little messed up sounding to me. Even more-so, some Pokémon eat the eggs of other Pokémon. Seriously, you let your kids play this shit?
In researching how Pokémon mate, details were scarce. They do not seem to have visible genitalia, which leads me to believe that the males have retractable penises within penile sheaths, formally known as prepuces. You have probably encountered one of these when your cat or your dog got a little too excited to see you. SPROING! Out comes the red rocket. Anyhow, I’m legitimately curious what Pokémon eggs would taste like.
Pokémon is the highest-grossing entertainment franchise of all time, with an estimated lifetime revenue of approximately $115 billion to $156 billion. Not that your rational self can handle another sudden cardiac death, but Hello Kitty—which I’m told is suppose to be a little girl and NOT a kitten—is the second highest-grossing one at around $80 billion.
THE IDENTITY PARADE
The vital innards of the Pokémon franchise are of course it’s plethora of monsters. It’s as if a large portal to another dimension that runs on LSD opened and is relentlessly machine gun-shitting these things into our world like there’s no tomorrow.
With that in mind, I will now introduce some of these creatures to you, in all of their bug-inspired, war-mongering, red-rocket egg-laying/eating glory. Better pour yourself a stiff glass of whisky. This will be a bumpy ride.
RHYDON
Rhydon, known to the in crowd as #001 instead of #112, was the first Pokémon ever. He’s essentially a stubborn and aggressively territorial, eventually evolving to bipedal, rhinoceros. Rhydon can swim, even though he’s a rock. Not only can he swim, he can surf. Quick recap, Rhydon is a surfing bipedal rhino made of rock.
When Rhydon evolves, his next name is Rhyhorn. When he evolves again, his name becomes Rhyperior. How are you suppose to keep track of all these names?
I am officially giving myself evolution names:
Base Form: Jesse
First Evolution: Jessinister
Final Evolution: Jesseriorinator! (current level)
SYLVEON
Sylveon is this sort of sexy little fox rabbit thing that doesn’t seem to have any obvious raging PTSD backstory. Actually, she seems like a real sweetie! That’s the kicker. This seductive and tempting little vixen is a manipulative, psychotic killing machine. The Japanese have a word for this (of course they do), it’s Yandere, derived from yanderu (mentally ill) and deredere (lovestruck). This is basically all of my ex-girlfriends manifested into one terrifying beast.
God. Help. Me.
The horrors don’t stop there. Sylveon has herself a lovely set of ribbon-shaped prehensile. These are basically appendages that she WRAPS YOU UP WITH SO YOU CAN NEVER GET AWAY BECAUSE SHE LOOOVES YOU SO MUCH.
God. Help. Me.
MAGIKARP
Magikarp is known as the weakest of Pokémon characters, and this may be because it’s a dead fish. I really, really do not understand how Pokémon biology works.
EXEGGCUTE
Exeggcute is essentially a Pokémon version of The Borg from Star Trek. It’s a cluster of mean-looking eggs, with each egg being it’s own individual, but needing the others to be complete. If one egg is cracked or lost, the other eggs FREAK OUT. This is known as Mirror-Touch Synesthesia.
In an unexplainable, unnatural process, when all of these nasty eggs level up, they morph into a big, giraffe, palm-tree-looking thing. Its special attack is ‘Mega Drain’ or ‘Confusion.’ In retrospect, it seems that many of my ex’s were actually just trying to play Pokémon with me. Sorry, my bad!
TRUBBISH
Again I am at a loss to explain Pokémon biology. Trubbish is literally a living bag of garbage. Not just any old garbage—he’s full of stinky toxic industrial waste, which was the catalyst of him coming to ‘life’.
Let this be a lesson to you: TAKE YOUR TRASH OUT on the right night. If you do not, it may become sentient, follow you around for being a bad littering human, and relentlessly attack you with poison gas, sludge, acid spray, and gunk shot.
Gunk shot, haha.
DRIFLOON
There is nothing at all cute about this Pokémon. This thing is pure nightmare fodder packaged in a balloon.
The next time you see a child with a balloon, SAVE THEM! Drifloon is a kidnapping spirit that grabs the hands of children and tries to drag them into the afterlife.
WHAT.
It gets worse. Drifloon are the reincarnated souls of wandering human and Pokémon who are burdened with regrets.
WHAT.
All this time I’ve been worried about being reincarnated as a worm or maybe a small dog, but this is an all-new level of troubling. Time to take up Buddhism.
CUBONE
Cubone is the poster child for trauma-induced revenge-seeking. Remember the TV show Dexter? Now, just imagine Dexter taking the skull of his dead mother, wearing it, arming himself with her thigh bone as a club, and then going around beating the shit out of everyone with it.
It doesn’t matter if the people he beats to Hinshi had anything to do with his mothers death, everyone must pay.
To be fair, vengeance could be considered more of a fairytale theme than anything else. Not all fairytales have happy endings. This one ends with you being clobbered by a Pokémon fusion of Jason Voorhees and Norman Bates.
SNORLAX
This Pokémon might seem lovable and docile, but hold on. These massive, terrifying munch-monsters are hungry, and humans are not necessarily left off the menu. You heard that right. Snorlax needs to consume 900 pounds of food per day. If there isn’t enough rice or berries around, things get ugly. Based on my calculations, a single Snorlax could devour 6 humans a day.
You don’t have to worry about a Snorlax having digestive issues. They have unnervingly powerful and highly corrosive stomach acid. Don’t get comfortable thinking you’re safe just because they like to sleep. Snorlax also eat in their sleep.
I think that’s enough Pokémon for now. If I missed your favourite, drop me a line and I’ll dig some dirt up on it for you.
Nite nite! Sleep tight! Don’t let Snorlax eat you!
RUINING DRAGAN’S PHOTOS
I must admit that I rather enjoy ruining Dragan’s photos. However, this month I’m not so excited about it. This month’s photo terrifies me. I’m pretty sure that I’m about to be cursed by a vengeful climbing-out-of-your-TV-dwelling spirit.
This is the life of an artist. Let’s get this over with.
THE ORIGINAL
NEW AND RUINED
You can see more of Dragan’s photography, untainted by my hand, on his official Instagram page.
POST-CREDITS CONTENT
We have reached the end of the game. Sorry, there are no cash prizes, scholarships or prestigious, high-value rewards waiting for you here. Like me, you probably just have a slight, throbbing, uneasy feeling in your head, as the facade of ‘cute’ Pokémon melts away to reveal the unsettling truth. These things are nothing more than near-murderous, domesticated tools of war.
If you do happen to have a Pokémon in your pocket, I can only hope for the rest of us that you do not have Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Hoarder Disorder, or any of the other million of mental diagnosis we slap on people. We have armed an unstable population with weapons that far exceed it’s capacity to be reasonable.
The cult of Pokémon is here to stay. Regardless, there’s a time and place to take your balls out of your pocket. Use your pocket monster wisely.
Gotta Catch ’Em all.
Did you know that there are Pokémon who steal your money? Meowth, Purrloin, and Keclean to name a few. As a good, stable member of society, I keep those monsters in balls in my pocket. But sooner or later, if you don’t subscribe, I’m going to throw one of those fuckers right at you.
You have been warned.