VOLUME 12 : BUTT-HOLES
Published on the first Sunday morning of every month.
Where to begin?
Bum. Behind. Rump. Derrière. Keister. Caboose. And a personal fav, badonkadonk. Who doesn’t love a good butt. There’s just one problem, for all of a butt’s glory, it still comes with an asshole. Nobody likes an asshole.
Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re fascinated with butt-holes. It’s ok, don’t feel ashamed. This month’s release is exactly what you need—a safe place for your suppressed butt-hole curiosity to shine brightly. By the end of this read, I promise that you’ll feel better about it. Maybe you’ll even have the courage to talk more openly about your own butt-hole at your next dinner party. Dinner parties were created for butt-hole talk. True story.
Let’s not waste any more time, pressure is building!
NATURE HAS A PLUMBER’S BUTT-CRACK
Before we get started, let’s lock down a few important terms that I just can’t wait to type out:
Anal Verge: Official medical term for the precise edge or rim where the outside skin meets the beginning of the opening.
Anus: Official term for the entire external opening.
Anal Canal: The short, muscular passage leading from the external opening up into the body.
Rectum: The internal holding chamber for stool located higher up, just above the anal canal.
Ok, now that I got that out of my system, let’s learn a little more about assholes.
The Biological History
The biological history of the butt is epic. It encompasses two main narratives: the evolutionary origin of the through-gut (the anus) and the development of the glorious buttocks unique to humans.
The evolution of the through-gut (having a separate mouth and anus) is arguably one of the most critical and relieving steps in animal evolution. You may not have ever thought about it, but I sure have. Back in the day, simple organisms had sack-like bodies with a single opening for both eating and pooping. In layman’s terms, they ate and shat out of the same hole. The next time you see evolution at the bar, say thank you and be sure to pay for all of its drinks.
Now, how did we go from a butt-mouth to a butt and a mouth? Easy. One day something put food in its butt-hole mouth and thought to itself, “fuck this” and it held its breath and PUSSSSSHHHHHEEEEEEDDDDD. The intestines elongated and out popped poop from the other end. (FYI that’s also the origin of hemorrhoids.) These tushy end parts were great. Shortly after that, spanking was invented.
The Linguistic History
AI (which I am putting to good use) is telling me that the literal term ‘ass-hole’ goes back to the 1400s. Before that, I guess there was no word for butts and people just pointed.
I’m not sure what AI is on about, but my research uncovered that in 19th-century Northern England and Scotland, the word “ass-hole” had nothing to do with bums. It was a local dialect term for an ash-hole—the brick receptacle underneath a fireplace grate where you swept the dead ash.
Yorkshire mothers would yell at their kids: “I’ve told you a hundred times never to put the poker in the ass-hole!” I personally know quite a few people who like putting the poker in the ash-hole.
So, the catalyst of the word asshole was that people couldn’t understand what Yorkshire mothers were saying. The second had something to do with donkeys, but let’s not talk about that.
Long and bountiful like a sperm whale’s colon, that is the biological and linguistic history of assholes. What a ride, I’m happy to be on board.
BUTT-HOLES OF THE SEA
Have you ever heard of sea cucumbers? Let me tell you about them. Sea cucumbers are creepy-crawly, squishy, penis-looking things that live at the bottom of the ocean. They possess a mouth end and a butt end, so that part is at least good. Unfortunately, when it came to breathing, they didn’t get the memo. Instead of using their mouths to breathe like normal breathing things, they use their bums. They are bum-breathers.
Apparently, they like doing it this way because a sea cucumber’s idea of a good time is to fill it’s butt with seawater and float around on the currents like sea balloon-dildoes.
As nature would obviously have it, butt-breathing caught the attention of pearlfish. These freaky underwater opportunists just can’t help themselves and love to swim right up sea cucumber butts. The scientific explanation for this has something to do with safety, but I think we all know what’s really going on.
Of course the giant California sea cucumber had to take it up a notch. When threatened, it uses its anus to fire out its sticky, toxic guts which then apparently just grow back a little later.
Sea cucumbers, the squishy butt-breathing, machine poop-guns of the sea. If you ever feel threatened, take a page out of the sea cucumber’s playbook and try machine-gun shitting your guts out of your ass. Guaranteed to fend off any unsuspecting predator.
Sea-Cow-Fart Propulsion
The manatee, or sea-cow as they like to be called, have evolved some cool skillz. They don’t shoot poop out of their mouth but they do have a very evolutionarily high-level way of getting around. They use their digestive systems as a buoyancy control device. The farts that they hold in float them to the top of the water, and when they feel like sinking, they just fart. Manatees, with their fucked up armpit nipples and their missing cervical bones, continue to impress by navigating the ocean using farts.
The next time you find yourself up a river without a paddle, try taking some tips from the manatee.
The Littlest Butts of Them All
Special mention to the Pigbutt Worm. Partly because of its name, but mostly because it’s a tiny little hazelnut-sized butt that drifts around in the water, no shits given, just feeling the flow, loving life. A cute little floating butt.
COBRA-CHICKENS MAKE GREAT TOILET PAPER
In 1653, English writer Sir Thomas Urquhart published a famous translation of some so-called ‘masterpiece’ by François Rabelais, Gargantua and Pantagruel.
In Chapter 13, the Gargantua explains to his father his very enthusiastic and extensive experiments on the ultimate method for wiping his butt. This really is such a great sounding experiment, and I am so sad that I never thought of it.
Urquhart may have been a bad translator, but either way, thanks to him, we ended up with the poetic phrase “bung-hole cleansers”.
The Great Experiment
As the story goes, Gargantua trialed dozens of objects, trying to find the perfect butt-wipe. He categorized them by how ineffective or pleasant they were. Again, why didn’t I think of this???
Unpleasant Wipes included: Velvet, satin, silk, slippers, pouches, baskets, and hats.
Painful Wipes included: Paper, which apparently left your ass raw. I have tried this and I agree.
Animal Wipes included: A hen, a cock, a calf’s skin, a hare, and an attorney’s bag. I’m not sure why an attorney’s bag was included in the animal category.
The Winner: After a lot of butt-wiping, Gargantua declared that no other “arse-wipe” or “bung-hole cleanser” in the world could match the neck of a live, downy goose held firmly between the legs. The combination of the soft feathers and the bird’s internal body heat provided a state of absolute, “lordly bliss.”
As luck would have it, my sister happens to have a couple geese, and “lordly bliss” is quite a compelling description. I absolutely plan to test this out next time I visit. I will keep my readers posted on how that goes.
KURT VONNEGUT IS A HERO
The use of the asterisk (*) as a visual representation of a butt hole is a recent pop-culture phenomenon, and its exact origin can be traced back to a specific and magical day in 1973.
Breakfast of Champions
Before 1973, nobody cared about the asterisk. That all changed when the absolute legendary American author Kurt Vonnegut published his satirical novel, Breakfast of Champions.
The book is filled with his terrible but also great doodles. Among them was a crude, hand-drawn asterisk which was his depiction of an asshole. The asterisk shot up the popularity charts. The literary field was never the same.
This moment also forever changed my man Kurt. Before Prince was signing cheques with a symbol, Kurt Vonnegut was signing his name with an asterisk.
Mr. Vonnegut, speaking for the entirety of humankind, we can not thank you enough for your contribution to butt-hole history.*
*the butt-hole is a legitimate field of study
EVERYTHING IS ONE BIG FART
It’s mind-boggling to think that after 12 releases of The Devil Didn’t Make Me Do It, I’m only now writing about farts. This is a great day.
Biologically, 99% of a fart is made of nitrogen (N₂): 20% to 90%, oxygen (O₂): 0% to 10%, hydrogen (H₂): 0% to 50%, methane (CH₄): 0% to 10%, and carbon dioxide (CO₂): 5% to 30%. (The last 1% of fart is made up of a mysterious and spiritual substance beyond our understanding.) If you look up these gasses, this is what comes up:
These five gases—nitrogen, oxygen, hydrogen, methane, and carbon dioxide—are among the most critical elements and compounds in Earth's atmosphere and biological systems. They shape everything from the air we breathe to global climate patterns.
So as you can see, the elements that make up flatulence are the fundamental building blocks found throughout our atmosphere, planet, and the universe. Farts are everywhere and they are everything. It’s all a big fart. You are a little fart in the big fart.
The biology of a fart (known scientifically as flatulence) is the story of how your digestive tract, diet, and trillions of microbes, party it up. The product of that party is gas.
Intestinal gas comes from two primary biological sources and one alternative source that I made up:
Swallowed Air (Aerophagia): Every time you eat, drink, talk, or swallow saliva, you gulp down small amounts of air. This air is mostly nitrogen and oxygen. It travels down your esophagus into your stomach. Most of it is burped out, but some moves into the intestines.
Bacterial Fermentation: Your large intestine is home to trillions of microbes known as the gut microbiome. Human digestive enzymes cannot break down certain complex carbohydrates (like fiber and starches). When these undigested foods reach the colon, gut bacteria feast on them, fermenting them and releasing gas as a metabolic byproduct.
Intestines are a portal into another dimension where the sins of your past live to relentlessly remind you of what an ass you were by blowing air into your intestines. The sound that these farts make embody the sounds of all your sins escaping back into the world. The cycle continues.
ODE TO ODOR
Less than 1% of a fart is responsible for fart stank. This smell is caused by volatile sulfur compounds. Basically, your ass is a little volcano, and sometimes it erupts.
Erupting butt-volcano stank has a few categories. Let’s discuss them!
Hydrogen Sulfide (H₂S): Creates the classic “rotten egg” smell.
Methanethiol: Smells like decomposing vegetables.
Dimethyl Sulfide: Adds a sweet, cabbage-like note.
Spicey Sausages: The stinging, rank odor of liquid-hot death.
The average healthy human passes gas about 10 to 20 times a day, totaling roughly 0.5 to 1.5 liters of gas daily. You are a farting machine and so is everyone around you.
ANGELS ARE REAL
The first known fart to have caught on fire was in 1868. It was an honest mistake. Some guy wanted to blow out a match at just the same moment that he had to fart. “Why not kill two birds with one stone?” he thought.
To his surprise, the flame was not extinguished by his fart blast. Instead, a beautiful blue flame was born. This guy was most definitely on drugs, because what he saw was a glorious blue angel flying out of his butt, back to the heavens!
Now, whenever you light a fart on fire, an angel is born.
BIG BUTTS DO LIE
Contrary to what nobody thinks, butt size does not significantly dictate the sound, smell, or volume of farts. Flatulence physics (let me repeat that… FLATULENCE PHYSICS) relies on the volume of gas, the force with which it is pushed, and sphincter control. It’s really all about the anal sphincter, not those big old butt cheeks.
While butt size unfortunately does not determine the quality of a fart, they do still play an important role in the overall fart experience. From a philosophical perspective, consider that trees on either side of the path are what make the trail, that the walls in your home make the space for you to live. As such, your butt cheeks surround and fortify the anus, allowing farts to make their journey.
Your farts are the actors, your butt is the stage. You, my friend, are the director.
RUINING DRAGAN’S PHOTOS
Dragan continues to show up and take beatings. Or in this case, wipings? Let’s see what damage we can inflict on his precious backside this month!
THE ORIGINAL
NEW AND RUINED
You can see more of Dragan’s photography, untainted by my hand, on his official Instagram page.
AT THE END OF THE ROLL
All good things come to an end, even a newsletter about the hole in your butt. If this journey has taught us anything, it’s nothing. Like an empty toilet paper roll after taking a huge shit, we have reached the end. The back-end.
Hope to see you here next month. Until then, get your ass in gear, nip something in the butt, ignite a fart, and befriend a goose. Afterward, as a reward, sit on your butt. Might as well stick your thumb up there for good measure.
You might HAVE a butt-hole, but that doesn’t mean you need to BE one. Remember, the more money I make, the more great toilet paper experiments I can start up. Help the cause, consider subscribing!