VOLUME 2 : LOVE

Usually published on the first Sunday of every month.

Apr 14, 2025

IT’S SPRING! AKA MATING SEASON.

Trees are leaking sap, ducks are trying to fit their weird corkscrew penises into whatever they can, and human beings are acting like silly fools. To celebrate, let’s explore nature’s cruelest joke, the season of love.

So grab a box of tissues, curl up into the fetal position, and enjoy!

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE LOVE DISORDER (SALD):

Definition: A recurring condition in which individuals experience irrational infatuation, emotional dysregulation, or romantic delusions triggered by seasonal changes, most commonly in spring but occasionally autumn.

Prognosis: Recurring (humans are tragic that way).

Treatment: Alcohol. A lot of alcohol.

Or espresso. Just be sure to drop a shot of grappa into it.

I had this dream. I was sitting on this little planet all by myself. Very The Little Prince vibes, except I was a sad, gooey alien. The earth and its inhabitants were like little ants, frantically running around as if they were doing something. Really, they were doing nothing. So, I think the lesson here was, don’t be so hard on yourself if you’re sad and pathetic and sitting all alone on a little planet because nobody loves you.

A girlfriend once broke up with me because I didn’t spank her. Honestly, I didn’t know that that was her thing. Things might have been different if I had known, because deep down inside, I wanted to spank her! It seems that communication is important in relationships after all, who knew.

BLAME IT ON THE OXYTOCIN

When you look around, does it feel like everyone except you is hooking up? It’s probably true. Well, I’m sure it’s not your fault. Actually, it probably is. Glad we could have this talk.

Sorry, did that ruin your childhood? It gets worse. Did you ever wonder what was under those funny little hats?:

Smurfette really had all the other Smurfs by the balls. Serious monopoly.

A (mis)match made in hell in a handbasket.

Remember, it’s better to have loved and lost than to miss the boat while beating a dead horse.

Anyway, don’t get too down. Sometimes it all works out, after you’re dead.

WHO SAID I’M NOT AN OPTIMIST?

Just remember, when it comes to love, you always have a choice. There’s always someone out there willing to take you in with open arms.

DATING, THE 10TH CIRCLE OF HELL

In real life there are no filters, so always remember to put on your best outfit and look your best. First impressions stick like gum under your shoe.

BRING ON THE SUNSHINE!

In the spirit of ‘the love of fucking shit up’, my friend Dragan foolishly agreed to collaborate on an art piece together and let me ruin one of his photographs.

THE ORIGINAL