VOLUME 6 : DUCKS
Published on the second Sunday of every month.
I recently had this terrible dream where I was trying to send a very friendly text message to someone. To my dismay, no matter how hard I tried, the only word that would pop up was ‘duck,’ again and again and again. Ironically, I was awoken from my stupor by a text message from my sister. Her ducks recently spat out a horde of ridiculously cute little fuzzy ducklings, and like every new mother, she just couldn’t help but send out daily videos of them.
The universe works in stupid ways sometimes, and so does inspiration.
This month, let’s investigate Anatidae and the order Anseriformes. Settle down, that’s not some new Harry Potter movie. It’s ducks.
IF IT TASTES LIKE A DUCK
So basically, the Chinese invented ducks because they wanted to roast them.
Really, that was enough. The duck could have stopped there. However, over the years humans found many other practical uses for ducks. Like naming witch trial tests after them, for example. Testing if someone is a witch was basic science. Witches are bad and water doesn’t like them and so they float. If the accused sunk and drowned, they were innocent. If they floated, they were A WITCH! Remember, casualties in the name of science don’t count.
Also take note: Scientifically speaking, this implies that ducks are witches.
While drowning someone to prove they’re not a witch is one approach, there are other tests you can implement. For example, all you need to do is draw a witch-shaped hat on their head. If it’s a girl, it will look like a witch hat, and so they are a witch. If it’s a guy, it will look like he is wearing a pylon on his head, and so he is not a witch.
Here, let me show you…
Another way to check if someone is a witch is that you can eat food prepared by them. If you die, they are a witch.
NATURE LOVES A GOOD PENIS
Driving northbound on one of those long windy country roads, I was in quite the panic. I hadn’t prepared anything for this newsletter release, which is typical. I thought I would google ‘duck anatomy’ for some inspiration.
As fate would have it, my finger slipped just every so slightly to the right, and I accidently searched ‘dick anatomy.’
Now, if I was a mature fellow, able to stay on topic, I’d have let that go. I’ll spare you the anatomical drawings, but just to make sure we’re on the same page:
The penis, commonly referred to as the "dick," is the male external sex organ and a key part of both the reproductive and urinary systems.
Penises, or ‘dicks,’ are great. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. When I was a young aspiring artist, I realized that all I had to do was draw a penis on my shitty drawings to make them profitable works of art.
Of course, as far as being a successful artist goes, nothing beats good advertising. I must have given out thousands of these business cards. I am very good at being an artist.
As for ducks, the duck penis-vagina relationship is a complex topic deserving of academic blather beyond the scope of this publication. Trust me when I say, the universe was coked-up out of its fucking mind when it laid out the sexual schematics of waterfowl. But that’s fine. Love has many paths. Some are simple. Some are absurdly complicated mazes with trap doors and spikes and dead end traps and seriously, what the hell.
BARTENDER, A ROUND OF DUCK FARTS PLEASE
One day there was this bartender in Alaska and he was obviously super bored and so invented a random experimental drink for some crazy 70 year old woman who was his only customer. She drank it, because, what else was there to do in Alaska? After slamming it back like the champ that she was, she blew out a soon to be historic burp, or fart, or whatever it was, that sounded like a duck.
Now, thanks to this great drunk 70-year-old-lady in a bar in Alaska, you can blame all of your inconvenient bodily noises on ducks. This is a great way to get out of a bind, trust me. Unless of course you’re a professional farter, then you just own that shit.
RUINING DRAGAN’S PHOTOS
Some days you wake up and just don’t give a shit. Like today for example. On days like this I thank my ducks for accountability and commitment, which keep me going. On that note, time to ruin one of Dragan’s photos.
THE ORIGINAL
NEW AND RUINED
You can see more of Dragan’s photography, untainted by my hand, on his official Instagram page.
DUCK TAPING THIS MESS TOGETHER
It’s pretty hard to top dung beetles, with their electro-brain-whatever way of navigating the trajectory of poop balls based on the Milky Way, but ducks now also have my attention. What other animal can tie together penises, farts, witches, and jeeps?
The next time you’re about to sit down and eat yourself a duck, just remember, ducks are witches, and so roasted is best. On that note, here is the video of my sister’s new little ducklings.
The next time you’re at a pool, or a lake, or the ocean, grab one of those big embarrassing floating tubes, flop your ass down into it, and name drop this newsletter. Even if you’re by yourself (which will probably be the case), at least the universe is listening. Maybe.