As I sat on the dock staring out over the lake, a stirring happened within me. It was as if the water itself was calling out. Like a rebel with a cause, I jumped into the paddle boat and off I paddle-paddled! No plan. No map. No food. No water. Only fortune and adventure lay ahead!
After a few minutes of adrenaline-fueled paddling, I slowed down, rethought my life choices, and decided to paddle back to the dock. Not quite yet, I thought to myself.
Such a stirring, while mostly put aside for another day, still longs for a little attention today, and so here we are. This month, set sail and journey with me to explore the most irresponsible adventurers of all time… Pirates!
IT’S A RUM-SOAKED LIFE
The first pirate was a guy named Henry. As the story goes, Henry woke up one morning and said “fuck it,” put on a cool hat, jumped into his boat, robbed some rich guy, let out a bellowing laugh, then sailed off into the sunset, never to be seen again.
Henry made an impression. Soon enough, all the cool kids were pirating.
The term pirate itself comes from the Greek peiratēs which means “one who attacks or makes an attempt.” The root peira means “trial or attempt.” In other words, piracy is a kind of reckless experimentation. But let’s not kid ourselves, being a pirate is all about telling the world to screw off. The sea is a big place, and pirates have shit to stir.
Dating as a pirate was also an adventure, especially when the options were mermaids, squids, sirens, and poisonous sea cucumbers. Beneath the scruffy beards and skulls and crossbones, pirates have hearts, and hearts need love. Also, “reckless experimentation.”
If you’ve been wondering what to do with all that rum in your liquor cabinet, pirates have you covered. Rum was currency in their world. Copious amounts of the stuff and a lot of time out at sea also led to some excellent mixes, with even better names:
Grog – Rum diluted with water or flavored with lime or sugar to hide the taste of stagnant water.
Flip – A hot cocktail of rum, beer, and sugar mixed with a red-hot iron.
Kill-Devil – Early rum so raw it was said to “kill the devil himself.”
Bumbo – Rum with sugar, nutmeg, and water; essentially pirate eggnog.
It’s not all fun and games. Like the dreams of all those mothers wishing their children had just gotten normal day jobs, many a pirate’s limb was also lost to the dark sea. You can’t play with pistols and swords and expect to walk through life without at least losing an ear or something. Of course, scars are pretty cool and missing a finger or two lets people know up front that you’re a psycho murderer who shouldn’t be messed with.
Although, the whole eyepatch thing isn’t accurate. Pirates actually used eyepatches to maintain night vision. Clever, yes. Bad-ass-crow-pecked-my-eye-out-while-I-was-busy-drinking-rum, unfortunately not.
There’s something poetic about a pirates life. If this topic sails around again, I’ll tell you the amazing and ridiculous tale of two pirate lesbians pretending to be men and falling in love. Seriously, seafaring, absolute crazy-ass shit going on out there.
TRIPPING EYEBALLS
Having your eye get pecked out by a crow got me thinking. Roughly 30–50% of your brain is devoted to processing visual information. That’s a lot of real estate dedicated to something we don’t think much about.
It just so happens that I know someone who is all that at putting the balls in eyes. I gave her a call and set up an interview. She probably didn’t expect all the paper and markers and pens but that’s the way it went down.
I’m a horrible embarrassment, so she asked that I not disclose her real name. She will henceforth be referred to as Pee.
Jesse: Hi Pee
Pee: Hi Jesse
Jesse: Hey remember when we dated in college!
Pee: Yes I do remember that.
Jesse: Those were good times, I drew this great picture of you!
Pee: …
Jesse: Anyhow, tell us what it is you do for a living?
Pee: I’m a BCO and BADO.
Jesse: Huh?
Pee: I’m a board certified ocularist.
Jesse: Huh?
Dictionary: An ocularist is a trained and certified professional who designs, fabricates, and fits ocular prostheses (artificial eyes) for patients who have lost an eye due to injury, disease, or congenital issues.
Jesse: I’m pretty skeptical.
Pee: (Proceeds to illustrate different ways to remove eyes)
Jesse: That’s freaking me out. I have a lot of questions.
Pee: I was worried about that.
Jesse: If I sneeze hard, could my eyeballs pop out? It seems to me that eyeballs are basically just complicated grapes.
Pee: No, not really.
Jesse: Some people think that eyeballs prove that there is a god. What do you think?
Pee: I don’t think so.
Jesse: Have you ever eaten an eyeball? I looked up some recipes online.
Pee: No, I don’t think I would want to do that.
Jesse: Did you know jellyfish have 24 eyes? Also they’re immortal and remind me of mushrooms. The mushrooms of the sea, with lots of eyes.
Pee: I didn’t know.
Jesse: If I had your skills I’d wear an eyeball necklace. Also, I’d always have eyeballs in my pocket because you never know when you might need a pocket full of eyeballs.
Pee: No, I don’t carry around a pocket full of eyeballs.
Jesse: Remember that creepy Muppet Aughra in The Dark Crystal with the removable eye? That shit gave me nightmares. Look, I even painted it:
Jesse: Anyhow, instead of an iris, could you paint a bad-ass skull and crossbones on an eye?
Pee: I guess so?
Jesse: Remember X-ray vision spectacles? It would be way less obvious if you could just have an X-ray eye. What do you think of that?
Pee: I don’t know.
Jesse: I think this was a really great interview.
Pee: I’m not really sure.
X
I’d like to thank Pee for taking the time to do this interview. An ocularist is definitely someone to have in your back pocket. Especially if there’s an apocalypse.
RUINING DRAGAN’S PHOTOS
While ruining Dragan’s photos really does make my day, this one hit different. You can’t ruin this guy. This guy ruins you.
THE ORIGINAL
NEW AND RUINED BADASS
You can see more of Dragan’s photography, untainted by my hand, on his official Instagram page.
X MARKS THE G SPOT
Being a pirate might not be for everyone, and that’s ok. Life is full of hidden treasures, and you’re drawing out the map every day you live your life. Yeah you might die before you find it, but it’s the journey that’s important. A journey packed full of alcohol, bribing, brothels, late night songs on the open sea, cutting off the limbs of your enemies, and being best friends with a cool talking bird.
Until we meet again!
Be a good lad/lass and consider tossing this weary fellow a coin or two. At least it’s an honest living. God knows how the sea calls.