VOLUME 3 : COFFEE
Published on the second Sunday of every month.
HUMANS NEED BEANS
Did you know you’re an addict? Ever wonder why sometimes you’re a miserable shit and you can barely drum up the energy or motivation to live? I know what the problem is. You need coffee. If only we had penis-shaped coffee-dispensing robots following us around.
Coffee snobbery is a thing. I should know, I’ve been an aspiring coffee douche for years. It’s a very serious commitment. Moka pot was my go-to method.
Of course, when the time came to level up my game, I reached deep within, left the conveniences of society, moved off-grid, got a little .wood burning stove, bought an axe, and dedicated a cold lonely winter to perfecting the perfect cuppa.
And of course, the douchery does not stop there. No passionately brewed coffee, forged through the most dedicated of self-inflicted austerities, is properly appreciated unless during the course of its consumption you contemplate the one and only true question…
FRUITS ARE FREAKS
The term coffee bean is a misnomer, but you probably think you knew that. Did you know that the coffee "bean" is actually the seed inside the coffee cherry? It gets better, the coffee cherry is the fruit of the Coffea plant, and fruit are the sexual organs of plants. That makes coffee beans a sexual excretion. So, you’ve been grinding up and drinking juice made from a plants ejaculate. What a morning glorious way to start your day.
LARRY IS THE GOAT
Coffee was discovered by a goat. I'm not sure what its name was, but I think it was Larry. Like all goats, Larry spent his days walking around looking for shit to put in his mouth and chew. As far as goats go, Larry was kind of an asshole, but whatever.
Anyhow, after chewing on the sexual organs of a Coffea plant, Larry got all jacked up and some guy saw and thought he'd chew up some of whatever Larry was chewing as well, because why not. When the caffeine hit his brain, shit got crazy. Worried he was possessed by Satan, he ran to the local church to seek redemption and clarify what the hell was going on. The monks had no idea what was up with this guy so they figured they would also chew up some of whatever Larry had been chewing, because why not. The monks got super jacked and spent the night wide awake meditating and talking shit with God. They decided that whatever the hell Larry was chewing on was ok with them and ok with the lord. That's the story of coffee.
Takeaway? Jesus drinks coffee.
EVERYONE’S GOT TOO MUCH SHIT ON THEIR MIND
Devils drinking coffee and contemplating shit account for 50% of my subject matter. People keep asking me if I’m the devil in my paintings. Yes, but you’re not off the hook. You are also the devil in my paintings. Everyone is the devil in my paintings.
FLYING MONKEYS, DRAGONS, ALIENS AND NINJAS
I suppose it’s possible there could be tea in some of these cups. Tea culture, which I am also strongly steeped in, also reaches deep into profound levels of mind-expanding snobbery. For now, fill these cups with coffee, and let’s save tea for another day.
COLLABORATION
Dragan has once again agreed to let me ruin one of his photos.
THE ORIGINAL
NEW AND RUINED
Ugh. I finished this at 1:32am in the morning, leave me alone.
You can see more of Dragan’s photography, untainted by my hand, on his official Instagram page.
AND… BECAUSE I CANNOT BARE TO END ON A HIGH NOTE, I WROTE ANOTHER SAD HAIKU
Or perhaps this should be called… a HAIKU-CCINO?
Remember, repeated consumption of caffeine can lead to a mild form of drug dependence, with withdrawal symptoms like headache, sleepiness, and irritability when intake is stopped. Considering that you are likely intolerable as it is, please, do everyone a favour, pour yourself another cup. See you next month!
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